Finding Balance

As a mother...a mother who has already had to leave her two young daughters in the hospital hooked up to wires and machines, how do you decide between your love for your mother and grandmother, and the health of you and your children? Its a tricky decision, especially when this mother watched her own father fight a deadly staph infection just over three yeears ago. Do you listen to the doctors who warn you against bringing your one year old daughters to christmas dinner with your grandmother who has a staph infection? Do you listen to your rheumatologist who warns you against being around anyone with a staph infection due to your weaked immune system? Do you listen to your heart, which would love to do nothing more than give your grandmother a hug and act like nothing is happening? To me, the scenerio is a lose lose situation. This scenerio was a reality for me last night, christmas night. I decided to try to please everyone. I brought my daughters to christmas dinner at my mom's house (with my Aunt who cares for noone but herself and her own feelings and her obnoxious family). Once I saw my grandmother, I freaked. I couldn't bring myself to put my daughters or myself in harms way, even if it would have made my grandmother feel better. Yes, it is a selfish decision, but I feel as though it was the best one for my sanity. In this case, I feel as though a balance cannot be met.

The evening was progressing along fine. My cousins and Aunt were pretending as though Carl, the girls and I were not at dinner, but that was fine. They had a lovely cry fest during the grace as they thanked God for my grandmother. Of course I love my grandmother. She has been at every milestone throughout my life. She is still alive though. In my mind, its degrading to cry about the death of someone who is sitting at the table. Carl and I sat at a separate dinner table with my mother in law, dad, brother and the girls minding our own business. My grandmother requested that I come in to talk to her, and as I stood in the hallway waiting for my cousing Kelsey to finish giving my grandmother her gift, my aunt screams that I need to try harder. That her mother is at her last christmas dinner...then my cousin Kelsey tells me that I'm ignorant. That was my cue to leave. My cousins and aunt love to play the "who loves grandmother more" game, and in their minds, they always win. What they don't realize is that love comes in different ways, and different people express emotions differently.

Evidently, after we left, the evening turned into a giant scream fest. Ironically, my aunt was mad at me for "ruining" my grandmothers christmas, but in reality, she and her dumb daughters ruined it by yelling at me. I am proud that I was able to walk away. I said nothing and called my grandmother later to wish her a merry christmas. I wrote a blog earlier this month about my thoughts on family. It was written with some degree of humor, but I do believe what I wrote. Families don't have all this drama. My immediate family life is quite drama free, but full of passion and fun. I don't want or need crappy drama, I have too much other stuff going on. I have been feeling anxious about last nights dinner for months, and now that its over, I'm glad that I was able to walk away from the nasty situation. I will never have to spend time with my cousins again, and that makes me very happy! I am sad for my mother because she is caught in the middle of this situation, and I am sad for my grandmother first because my Aunt and cousins essentially consider her dead and secondly because the christmas that she was looking forward to didn't work out as she had planned. Grandmother, I do love you! I am sorry that you don't always come at the top of my list anymore. I cherish the memories that we share!

To my O'hana, I love you and I'm glad that our world is contest and drama free!