friday

its friday! woohoo! and its a long weekend. even bigger woohoo! and monday should mark the end of carl's late nights and seemingly endless work schedule. gigantour woohoo! its raining here and a bit cool outside, which works well for my obsession with fall. AND brooke gave me some yummy candy corn and mellow-creme pumpkins this morning, which totally made my day. anyway, i'm thinking soup for dinner tonight. we'll see.

i have a weekend of organization planned. it always seems like i have plans or cleaning or organizing, but the house is so close to being "just right"....i'm tired of hoping we get to things, i'm taking action. we will have lived in our house for three years this september (which is right around the corner, haha). we should be all moved in and organized by now, but we're not. can i use the babies as an excuse? probably not. hopefully by the end of this weekend, we'll be set.

in other news, carls grandmother is giving some of her furniture and household items to our cause. we are expecting her bedroom set for laney on the 10th, and hopefully in the next week or so, we will be able to pick up a carpet from her apartment for the "man room". while the addition of the furniture is very (VERY, VERY) much appreciated, I will have to re-figure the layout of both girls rooms (and of course re-organize their clothes...) but that shouldn't take too long or be too hard.

finally, the last on my list of news. i have decided not to go to homecoming this year. it is my 5-year college reunion year, but with classes and other plans, i'm just not super excited about going. and, i don't want to go, so i'm not. i may go up for dinner and drinks on friday night, just to check out the crowd, but i'm definitely not spending the night. we only live an hour away. plus we're going to aunt barb's the weekend before (which i'm really excited about), and i want to schedule plenty of down-time for my busy fall.

i did go to the doctors today to follow-up on my panic-disorder. my blood pressure is back down (which is very good news since i've never in my life had high blood pressure) and i seem to be doing a bit better. he raised my dosage and we have plans to meet again in another 6 weeks. this visit was much more pleasant. plus, i have lost 4lbs since my last visit! my plan of cutting back on my favorite (sweets) seems to be working...as if i had any doubts ;)

girl time!

I have had two nice opportunities for girl time this week and they were both much needed and much appreciated! On Sunday afternoon, Cirucci came over to lay on the couch with me. We did nothing but chat and drink coffee for almost 5 hours! It was a wonderfully relaxing change from my busy Saturday (and the rest of the week for that matter). Last night, I went with Brooke and Rachel to see the new Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie. I never go to the movies, and all of the sudden this summer I have seen 3! The movie was really great and I had a nice time chatting (as always). Now to just power through this last week of insane Carl hours...

mowing the lawn

Saturday, while mowing the lawn (which I suck at) I was thinking how I have never had instruction on the finer points of mowing. Is this something you learn to do or just a skill you acquire. My mom taught me how to do the laundry, make the bed, fix things with tools and sort of cook. I'm decent at all of those things. I don't mind mowing the lawn (except the front hill which, while mowing I refer to as the death hill because I have images of either cutting my foot off or tumbling down the hill behind the mower in front of the occasional on-coming traffic....such would be my luck) but I think I need some lessons. Any volunteers?

The countdown to the end of Carl's crazy work schedule is on...approximately 8 more days!!! which coincidentally is how many days I have until classes start. I'm planning a suprise for him. I have pre-ordered the Nightmare Before Christmas (one of his favorite movies which is being released from the vault!) and I'm going to make him black and white cookies (our cookies of choice in college)...kind of a lame-o suprise I know, but I'm excited to do something nice for him since he's been working tons of hours (no days off again this weekend and yesterday he worked from 7am until after 11pm, at least he was able to come home at 9:30 on Saturday night)!!!!

I am tired

I. am. tired. exhausted really. I'm sure Carl is way more exhausted than I am since I don't have a whole lot going on at work...but in his absence, taking care of a house and twin two and a half year olds is a lot of work. The major bummer, no rest for the weary during the weekend...Carl is working the next two. I never realized how quickly laundry accumulates or how much work it is to take care of a household by myself. I'm trying to help Carl with his job search as well. I scan for potential opportunities and email them to him, and then he applies when he gets home from work..at 10 (or in the case of last night, 11). Hopefully he'll get some calls soon, and this time a job in a "normal" company, with a normal HR department, with non-sketchy vps. He works so hard, and tries so hard, he deserves it! Again, wish him luck!

The bright side, at least I got him to take showers when he gets home from work so he doesn't stink up the bed (as much).

Tonight, Brooke has invited me over to watch the 3rd Pirates movie (she hasn't seen it) and I must stay, I can't wait! I need a little out of the house time. Laney, Alie and I will head over in pj mode...the girls will go down in their pack n plays and Brooke and I will get to relax!

kisses

While the girls have been giving kisses for quite a while, a kiss goodbye, goodnight or hello for mommy has never been a necessity to them. Laney and Alie have generally been neither here nor there on whether or not they give me a kiss back. But, over the past couple of weeks, that has all changed and I must admit that I love it! The night-time routine is not complete without giving mommy a kiss and this morning, when I was leaving Brooke's, they lined up to give me kisses! I am loved :) Laney and Alie kisses are the BEST!!!

Bookclub

In all of my recent emotional distress surrounding the hubby and my bizzaro panic issue, I forgot to mention this months meeting of book club. More than half of those who said they were coming bailed at the last minute, but that was fine...more dip and dessert for me! I really enjoyed myself on Friday night. It was a small group, just Brooke, Ky and I, and it was really relaxing. We ate dinner, enjoyed virgin pina coladas, relaxed in the living room, chatted and enjoyed dessert. Ky stayed until 10ish and Brooke left after 11! It was wonderful to just relax and have girl talk.

I am definitely moving into a new phase in my life- a mom phase. I'm excited about this change. I know I have written about older mom/younger mom fears, but I am beginning to embrace my overall "mom-dom". My girls and I grow closer everyday and I love exploring childhood with them. I spend my evenings cooking healthy dinners, watching Disney movies, coloring and playing with dolls...and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am looking forward to our family friendly vacations and just being able to relax with Carl and my girlies. As my brother loves to remind me, I'm getting older...2 years and a few months away from 30;) I'm ok with that.

How does this new phase connect with book club? Well, last week, a co-worker shared that he couldn't understand why a non-mom, non-married person would want to continue to come to book club now that more moms and married people have joined in. Well, I would hope that us married/mom/homeowning/tied-down types still have a few interesting thoughts to discuss. Obviously, we do have some kid-centered or home-centered conversation, but nothing too specific that anyone couldn't join in on. The conversation really made me realize that I can embrace and love the changing me...I don't really need to prove how "fun" or "young" I still am. If I'm enjoying my nights out watching DWTS, monthly bookclub or making new mommy friends (thanks for helping with that Brooke!) that's all that matters. We are taking new steps in our lives, and that's wonderful!

another day at work

So other than the two hour marketing meeting and appointment wtih a girl transferring from Minnesota with pink hair, I have spent most of my day looking for new jobs for the hubby. I'm not sure how much more of this no-seeing him I can take. Plus I just took a look at my fall schedule:
Monday nights-class from 7-9:30 (eek that's my bedtime)
Tuesday nights- class until 7
Wednesday nights- well alternating weds. I have chats
Thursday nights- we have My Gym with the kiddos (some of which I will miss for my DMC presentations)
So that leaves me with Friday night for peace and quiet and time spent with Carl....don't ask me when all the studying and travelling for work might fit in, let alone enjoyment of all the great things that happen during the fall. Yes I'm crazy! I will need a super vacation around Christmas-time. With my crazy fall schedule, Carl needs to be less crazy so that we can maintain some sense of sanity in our household.

Ultimate frustration

So my perfect weekend was ruined. My husband's boss decided to make all regional managers work this weekend, so Carl lost his last weekend off of the summer:( My anxiety is back in full force. Yesterday, I couldn't calm myself down at all, and ended up having to take a "chill pill" so that I could function enough to take care of the girls. Carl was able to pop home for long enough to eat dinner, but then had to go back out to drive some guy home...ugh! Did I mention that his job currently sucks!

As soon as Carl was called this morning, I felt the anxiety return, so I ended up taking another "chill pill". I will be calling the dr on Monday because I'm positive that the other medication is not working. I'm waiting for Carl to call me back to see if the girls and I can drive out to Gaithersburg to hang out with Dan and Mindy today since Carl is working between Gaitherburg and Frederick. I'm hoping he might be able to visit for longer if we're there. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm working on finding Carl a new job. Unfortunately, with all of the hours he's been putting in at work (generally about 15-17 hour days), he hasn't had much time to look for something new. Today, after working for more than two weeks straight, his boss told him to "suck it up". Awesome. Carl is in for another 16 days at least without a day off and I feel terrible for him! Hopefully I can get a medicine to work for me soon! I'm looking forward to the time when I can really spend some time with my husband again...more than just 2 hours a week!

A week and a half...

I'm about a week and a half into my meds for my panic disorder. I think I may be feeling a bit better. Its a little hard to tell. The first week I was taking a "chill pill" along with the more long-term treatment. That seemed to be working ok, but this past Monday brought the end of the "quick fix" (ha! not so much) and the beginning of the slower-working med. It has been a long week though. Carl worked late Monday night, was called out Tuesday night, worked super late (think into the am) on Wednesday night and was called out again last night. I have spent about an hour with my hubby this week, which always makes me a bit sad and even a bit anxious. The good news, I have him all weekend! It is his last weekend off of the summer (well until after labor day) and I'm looking forward to making it a lazy one. I'm thinking long mornings, extensive breakfasts, lounging and lots of family time. His next two weeks will have hell-ish hours I'm sure, so I want to soak him up this weekend.

In other news, he is actively searching for a new job. He has updated his resume and is ready to start getting some applications out there. If anyone knows of any openings or has any connections they are willing to share, we are willing to take any help we can get!

Finally, school starts on Sept. 2nd. I just bought the books. Cross your fingers that this will be my second to last semester! This will definitely be my hardest yet! I am taking two in-person classes, one of which is another istc (which i'm sure will be filled with teachers). I also am hoping to take (and pass) comps this semester, so I will have to find some study-time for those as well. All of this while enjoying my favorite time of year :)

Laney and Alie

I love my daughters. Being a mother is the most amazing experience of my life, and as cheesy and contrived as that sounds, its true. I love watching how my girls delight in the smallest of things. We ran into Target last night to find a new Mickey Mouse-type CD. I ended up buying them each a new container to hold their crayons. They were so excited...they told everyone in the school supply section they were getting a new box, and they told the woman in front of us in the line. I love our nightly tuck-in routine. I love how Alie races down the hallway after brushing her teeth, calling for me to pull her blankets up just under her neck and to give her kisses. Laney is a bit slower getting into bed, and after I tuck her in, cover her in kisses, turn on her nightlight, and close her door I can hear her reading to all of her stuffed animals. I love mornings in my house, just the girls and me. Sometimes its a mad dash of craziness. Other mornings, like this morning we just take our time getting dressed, stopping to look out the window to watch the trashmen, hunting for shoes and taking time to decide what to wear. I love to watch them color and I love coloring with them. Coloring takes such concentration! I love watching them hold hands and give each other kisses. I love hearing their little "I love you"s. Most of all I love our powering up, something that Carl and I invented one day...its our special little family thing. I love my little family.

looking to fall

I'm looking forward to fall (Brooke, I know you're laughing at me). I can't help it. This particular summer has been humid. Maybe i'm getting old, but i dont' handle the summer as well as I used to. I'm looking forward to cool nights with the windows open (hmm sounding a bit like my spring blogs) and drinking the yummy new coffee recipes I found recently. I'm looking forward to recipes with pumpkin and peppermint. I can't wait for comfy jeans and sweatshirts. I love mums and apples. I love fall traditions, decorations and smells. Most of all, I'm looking forward to seeing Carl.

a new journey...

I have always been a fairly high strung person...someone who feels the need to fit many things into one day, a perfectionist and a person who rarely says "no". I have mentioned on more than one occasion in my blogs my feelings of being overwhelmed or stressed and in the past few weeks. Those feeling have intensified. They are not feelings about specific activities or actions, more just general anxiety that seems to have continually worsened. In fact, these past two weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a panic attack when I went to see Batman with some friends and another when I went to Friendly's for lunch with Carl and the girls. In fact, I couldn't even sit down to eat at Friendlys, I was too anxious. I have started to get anxious about feeling anxious, making the situation so much worse. I finally decided that I needed to seek some help.

On Monday, I went to see my primary care physician. He asked lots of questions, did an exam and took a lot of time with me. He decided that I have a panic disorder. Essentially I am stuck in panic mode. Her prescribed some medications for me to take, and I'm very hopeful they will help, both in the short and long term. Yesterday, I had a great day. Today is not as good. I do need to give these things a little time, and figure out which medicine will work the best for me. Just like my arthritis, I assume this will be a journey of trial and error, but I am hopeful that I can get this under control.